As I perused through the morning news, I came across an advice column where a 38 year old woman was debating what to do about an unplanned pregnancy with a guy she’s been dating for only a couple of months.  When you find yourself knocked up by the guy you are having sex with and then find out not only does he not see you as his GF, he never wants to have kids ever; well that’s textbook rock meet hard place.

Shit like this drives me crazy because this type of drama is so easy to avoid if you put just a little bit of effort into the conversation up front.  I realize that accidents happen, even for those who are prepared but what makes an accident even more difficult to deal with is when you have major disagreements in the moment, when the clock is ticking. This commentary isn’t for those who did their best to prevent pregnancy, but those who don’t really do all that can be done. Haphazard use of condoms or undisciplined use of other birth control methods. With something this serious, you should try to have a backup plan for birth control but in life, sometimes shit happens, and if it does, you should at least be on the same page about what to do.

Now I know men like to keep it light and not have “those” deep discussions about commitment, babies, or futures in general too early, but if you are bumping uglies with someone, you need to fucking man up and have that convo. Especially if you want to have unprotected sex, which guys almost always insist on for their pleasure. Let’s be honest, there are many men out there who although they don’t know what kind of commitment they want from you, they do know what they want from your vagina and with her they want free rein. They want to run unbridled in your girly garden. One thing really important to learn about men straight off the bat is that sex and love are two very different things to them.

Ladies, we’ve all been there before, starring down the barrel of a rock hard cock and the man at the other end saying anything you want to hear just so he can put it in and find sweet relief. They are so passionate, so convincing, and so eager until….you bust their erotic fantasy with the reality of pregnancy. Cue the cricket soundtrack with video of the Road Runner hightailing it outta there leaving nothing but little dust clouds in your face.

Straight up guys, if you are not looking to be in a relationship with this person or any person dangling at the end of your dick right now or the foreseeable future, then you need to put a cloke on your little priest before you send him in to prey! Pun intended.

I know it feels so much better when you don’t have your sausage all encased in plastic but if you think that’s uncomfortable, what will your discomfort level be discussing an unplanned pregnancy and finding out that this woman you barely know and aren’t sure you want at all, doesn’t even believe in abortion?

Let’s face facts, many women out there are just dying to have a baby so they can flood their Instagram feeds with their fashionable “baby bump” photos and feel life growing inside of them. Most of them have it planned out with a precision a serial killer would be proud of, which would be shortly after their 2nd wedding anniversary, but hey they can deal with timeline and situation changes on the fly if need be. Another thing you should know, many women also operate under the misguided notion that most men who are “not ready” or afraid of commitment really just need the proper encouragement. They think that once presented with that proper encouragement like a “surprise pregnancy” a man will suddenly turn into that Prince Charming chivalrous person all the RomComs have told them exist, and melt into a puddle of excitement to become their perfect dream paycheck, I mean father.

Do you really want to leave this up to chance?

From my experience, you guys have been all too happy to leave the contraception up to women and I find that really fucking lazy on your part. Hey, it’s your dick, you have to take some sort of responsibility for what you poke and don’t always fall into a false sense of security when she says “I’m on the pill.”  Many women are not as diligent about their medication practice as you’d like to think and the pill won’t protect you against STDs, so there’s that. Take heed guys, especially you married ones, who like to step out for some extra-curricular fun. You think an STD is hard to explain, try explaining a baby momma. I’m guessing a permanent reminder of your infidelity would go over like a lead balloon.

Now, if you happen to find yourself in this unfortunate situation, I know many men think that if they don’t want the baby that the woman will listen to your desires and concerns and that your opinion will hold serious weight in the decision. However, sadly guys, this is the one part of life where you will literally have to take a back seat, and what she wants will be the dominate force in the decision making process. Her perceived “biological clock” will have more weight in this decision than you. Especially if she knows already that she wants to be a mom, which you won’t know because you were afraid to bring it up. And women are much more flexible about timing than men are.

I know that may seem unfair, but for eons you guys have been able to go around poking women with complete abandon, and if you knocked them up, no worries, you can always walk away like a hit and run. Even if you decide to be “participatory” you can still walk around your towns and neighborhoods without anyone knowing unless you tell you. You know who can’t do that? WOMEN! If some poor girl gets knocked up, say as a teenager or as an unmarried person, she will have a very visible sign at all times as to what she’s been up to. And that often times comes along with a side of societal judgment, complete with a heaping spoon of ruined reputation ala “Scarlet A” style gravy on top of that bun in the oven. Uhm uhm.

Let’s face it, the world is unfair, and this is just one small piece where you can’t bully or sweet talk your way out.  I know it’s really unsexy to have those up front conversations but they are hugely important for both sides. Ladies, you have to take the bull by the horns and start that discussion because having to make those decisions under pressure sucks. You might not want to spend the rest of your life with this guy and if that’s true, would you want to raise a kid with him?  I know some of you may also be so desperate for a kid that you’ll have casual sex with some poor unsuspecting stranger in the hopes of getting pregnant; which I think is horrible and would advise against. For one, you don’t know his medical history and two, every child deserves to know both parents if at all possible or even information about that person, and thirdly, men need to know when they’ve fathered some kid, so when they go through their mid-life crisis and start banging 20 year olds, they don’t accidentally bang their own daughter. I know, gross.

Stories like this annoy me because these are serious life altering issues that can be avoided with simple conversation. If you can manage the conversation about how hot and sexy you find someone, take the time to discuss all the naughty things you want to do with them, along with your sexual positions, as well as the time/date/location for having sex you can just add this to the stream of consciousness and discussion.

Find a sexy or funny way to work it into the conversation. When you’re telling someone your turn ons, take the time to tell them your turn offs, like feedings every 4 hours till your nipples hurt or diaper changes.  Bring it up by asking about breakfast the next day, “How do you like your eggs? I like mine unfertilized thank you!”

As a woman if you are on the pill you better take that shit responsibly because I know many of you don’t. You skip several days for whatever reason or maybe you had to take antibiotics these things can render your pills ineffective. Don’t take unnecessary chances because as a woman, regardless of what decision you make, your body will be involved. Spoiler alert, there are no easy choices. Take my word for it, none are easy if you are making this decision under duress. And depending on where you live your decision window might be very limited by your State’s laws.

I find this to be such an important conversation that I think it needs to be taught in school. If we started teaching kids about how to have these conversations and giving them real information about sex and pregnancy. That way they don’t just see the fun side like it’s just a Kardashian style Instagram photo op, we might be able to prevent some of them from having to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. Because studies show breeding is a main cause for the gender wage gap. And it is particularly difficult the younger a woman is when she has her first child, which will effect her earning potential by as much as 30%. In some cases, she will never be able to catch up to her peers because it can affect her ability to gain the necessary education she needs to get ahead.

And guys, you can’t have the childish assumption that a woman would want to have an abortion if they found themselves pregnant just because that seems rational to you. And women, you can’t assume that a man will suddenly be overwhelmed with joy and want to raise this child with you or even get married just because he knocked you up. If this is your default thinking on this topic you need to have a serious come to Jesus moment with yourself quick!

Hey, I’m all for people getting together and getting freaky in whatever ways turn you on, just know that you can also do it responsibly. If you can’t seem to have that conversation then just make wearing condoms non-negotiable, which isn’t a bad idea in general. Ladies and gents this means you both have to be honest about your motives and desires up front. You might find yourself dodging a serious bullet!

Now get out there and have some fun! Just talk before you touch.