Oh 2022, it’s January, and I’ve got no lofty goals or lists, just one thing on my mind, ME! For many years, I’ve either been in a relationship or pursuing a relationship. This is the longest time period I’ve been without a relationship that I can honestly say I’m not at all concerned about getting back into one. I’ve been out of a relationship completely for 4 years and I’ve not had sex with another person for the same amount of time; which by the way is the longest I’ve ever been without sex with another person in my entire adult life.

I passed the first year sex free in utter surprise and to be quite honest a bit of panic, and in my mind I thought, “Is this really happening?”, knowing that I could easily go out and remedy the situation with ease if I decided to. After my last relationship though I was decidedly done with a lot things and casual sex was one of them. I did enjoy relationship sex better although I don’t begrudge anyone casual sex, as it certainly has its place. I’ve just outgrown the need for it in my life. My last relationship lasted 7 years and left me absolutely destroyed. I was in pieces and it has taken a few years to put myself back together but I have taken the time to look over the lessons offered to me from that relationship about myself and I had some very painful truths to face. One is my overwhelming desire deep down in my core to be loved. I guess much of this stems from the fact that my parents where both narcissists and so focused on themselves that they had nothing to give to me, and no matter what I did nothing ever really got their attention. I desperately have sought love, attention and acceptance all of my life. What I’ve slowly started to realize is that it must come from within first. That was the lesson my last relationship taught me. No matter how much you love someone if they aren’t able to see or unwilling to see it they won’t and you will be left alone.

So for 2 1/2 years I cried, wrote, dug deep, and worked on healing the wounds that I needed to. If I was ever to get into a relationship again in the future, I didn’t want have anyone else falling into my open wounds. I can’t say they are completely gone but I have put bandages over them so they can heal and I am aware of them and know the triggers and also know how I help myself to feel the love that I’ve sought outside of myself, which brings me to my next “ah fuck” moment.

I’m going to start treating my personal sex life with myself as I would a sex life with a partner. I recently realized again, how much I LOVE masturbation and for women in their 50’s it is critical for vaginal health. I’ve always been a very sexual and sensual being and found myself disconnected from that side of me because I wasn’t in a relationship and why would you connect that side if it isn’t being used by someone? It’s just another part of societal conditioning that I’m realizing goes so deep in us women that our bodies are not truly ours. I started masturbating again because I heard of the term vaginal atrophy, yes, that’s a thing. It’s a muscle so it needs to be worked out like anything else but I had this weird aversion to it, because I wasn’t ready to be involved with anyone and didn’t want to turn that part of me on. Then I thought, “Why do I have to turn that part on for someone else? Am I not worthy enough to have those feelings all by myself? Do I have to have someone else to justify those sensations? Can I not make love to myself?” WOW! Maybe for some of you that isn’t earth shattering but for me it was. Particularly as a child of sexual abuse I lost bodily autonomy at a very early age and have struggled with it my whole life.

Back in the day, I worked out so that I would look good for dating and to be naked, good health was a secondary benefit. Masturbation for most of my life was something I did when live partners weren’t around to feed the need my body had. It was never something I did to help develop a relationship with my body, same goes for exercise. I’ve never used exercise as a way to develop a relationship with my body and myself. Now I feel 2022 will be the year that I get to discover all of that. This will be the year of ME! What I want, where I want to be, who I want to be around, what I want to do, where I want to go.

The final months of 2021 were all about loss for me. I lost both my fur babies and my mum. I have been heartbroken by their loss but I have to move forward.

And I choose to move forward in loving myself. I’m really enjoying being on my own and the freedom that comes with that. And now I’m really enjoying loving myself in a physical way as well. I don’t have to wait for someone else to get in the mood or deal with ED issues or try to tell them where to go to find that magic, and when I’m done, I can either roll over and go to sleep, keep doing it over and over, or get up and go do whatever I want. It’s fucking fantastic!

What else will happen when I put myself first? My needs first? My pleasure first? My desires first? I no longer have that neurotic panic in my gut about not having a relationship. I know a lot of single people and see them panic and get in and out of shitty relationships all because they can’t be alone. I’m pretty fucking amazing! I don’t have a problem being on my own and I have a handful of truly great friends I love talking to. Now, question is what will be my next adventure? I feel something on the horizon.