Hello again! Oh my my, I saw an article online the other day that literally made me want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly until my brains exploded.

In this time of Trump I’ve heard a lot of stupid crap but this is really blowing that all out of the water. Here was the headline, “A Christian Activist Is Planning To Sue The NFL Because The JLo and Shakira Halftime Show May Keep Him Out Of Heaven and Put His Soul In Danger Of Hellfire.”

Oh my, I say, clutching my faux pearls, eternal hellfire is quite serious business if you buy into the whole big man in the sky who watches you and passes judgement on everything. Seriously, what kind of god do you have that his biggest concern is whether you get an erection during a half-time show? Doesn’t he have bigger fish to fry than your dick’s blood flow? I’d think he has way bigger things to worry about.

Sadly, I feel like these religious nutjobs are increasing in number, which is why we are flirting with fascism AGAIN, not even a full 100 years after WWII. I mean come on people!  Do we really have to go through this again?! Can we not just read the thousands of books or watch the numerous documentaries about this topic?

Anywho, the premise to his claim is that he was worried about himself but more so, his hormone filled son who might experience sexual arousal without a Christian bride or anxiously awaiting egg in sight. Again, clutching faux pearls.

Out of curiosity, why the half-time show was being blamed and not the cheerleaders who are always on the side lines and do their own “floor show” filled with skimpy shorts/skirts with little panties and lots of breast and booty shaking is beyond me but I think some racism is somehow coming into play here. Maybe he sees people who are darker than Wonder Bread as “overtly sexual” and animalistic. O.K. let’s put that aside because that is a whole other convo by itself.

My main question is this, why do these people act like being sexually excited is so horrific? Why don’t they teach their children healthy attitudes towards sexuality? Nope. Instead of teaching self-control they teach control of the object that is causing your sexual arousal and control of activities or subversive thoughts that might give way to any arousal that isn’t being employed to bring about humans.

People check your watches; it’s fucking 2020 already. Seriously?! We are still obsessed with this shit. Why do men always put their horny shit on us? Why can’t you evolve so that your dick doesn’t have so much control over you? Do you think women don’t have sexual urges or get turned on? Of course we do, we just don’t let it control every ounce of our being. It is just one thing in our busy day that we have to prioritize.

For ages, women have had to deal with men’s lack of control. We’ve had to cover up, stay home, and stay hidden because some man might get excited! Well buckle up buttercup! It’s time to learn how to be a real human and think with something other than your dick! I’m personally sick and fucking tired of hearing about “men’s inabilities” to be decent for why we have to spend our lives contorting ourselves for your benefit. All it says to me is you are weak. That’s what is at the heart of men running around trying to control everything. They can’t control their inside forces, so they will control outside forces hoping that will do the trick.

Maybe if we’d have put a stop to this nonsense behavior ages ago, you would have evolved to understand that a hard on isn’t the end of the world. Do you freak out this much when you see a hamburger and get hungry? Do you then threaten McDonald’s with legal action because your cardiologist says YOU can’t eat hamburgers and they made YOU hungry with their commercial? NO.

Sexual urges are no different than hunger to the body. The body doesn’t assign shame or right or wrongness to a sensation. It’s just information. Stop treating your hard ons like they are so special you have to lose your damn minds and stop right then and there and find someone, willing or unwilling, to deal with it.

I’ve had times during my day when I’ve felt sexual urges, even at work in an office and trust me, with no external provocation. I would just go to the ladies’ room and rub one out quietly in a bathroom stall, then go back to my desk and carry on with my work feeling energized. Obviously, I wash my hands just so you know. PSA: You should always wash your hands after being in the restroom.

Guys, don’t you realize that these religious rules you create basically say that women have to watch what they do because you are violent sexual beings and have no control over your urges or your actions?! That doesn’t say anything positive about you, your religion, your god or your gender’s character. You often hold everyone else’s feet to the fire with personal responsibility except for shit like this. When women are raped, we are asked “What did YOU do, what were YOU wearing, Why did YOU go to his house or on a date with him, Why did YOU get drunk?” As if that is justification for your actions. When a man gets drunk we’re meant to give him a break but not the woman who was also drinking. She isn’t absolved of her behavior, we never are. When we get pregnant, you religious fucks want us to bear all the responsibility. YOU laid down and had sex, YOU got pregnant. As if you have no real understanding of biology. Which judging by some of the anti-abortion legislation up for vote clearly, they don’t understand biology. You want us to take full responsibility for everything but you want control over our bodies to control the outcome yet the policies many put forward are just punitive towards women and children.

Point is, you always demand absolute personal responsibility except when it comes to sex. Then you blame everything on a woman, “YOU made me fall in love with you, YOU made me want you, YOU made me horny, YOU made me hit you, YOU made me angry, YOU made me have to punish you.” Where is your responsibility?

I can’t respect any religion that treats a natural urge like an evil force that should be suppressed along with the people who cause that sensation. This is why religious folk are so rabid when it comes to women’s roles in society and homosexuality, some of the hottest button issues in life and politics. Most religions back up male dominance and power and control. That is not personal responsibility controlling the women in your world and those outside of it. This is the realm of the Handmaid’s Tale where men create a society that criminalises sexuality and sexual arousal, yet keep a secret space for their own sexual expression that isn’t viewed by the larger society. Tsk tsk. Faux pearl clutching resumes. Someone grab my vapors.

Look people, my views on sexuality are quite simple. I don’t care what you fucking do in your bedrooms. I really don’t. I don’t care if you like it just missionary style or if you like multiple partners or you are bi-sexual or homosexual. I don’t care if you like group sex or lots of toys or bondage or syrups and foods involved. I really don’t care. Sex is personal and there is no one way to enjoy it. My only rules are that all persons involved are old enough to consent meaning 18 and older, no animals because they can NEVER consent, and everyone is fully aware of the rules of engagement. No unwilling participants. EVER. So for all you perverts who will go fuck some woman chained to a bed in a trailer home because you paid some freak $20 that is not consensual sex that is rape of a trafficked person and you are sick. Otherwise, go for it.

I mean there are so many things people like sexually that aren’t particularly my bag but hey, if you like it and it isn’t doing emotional harm to someone else, do you booboo. If you want to be a player and swing your dick around town, go for it. Just don’t ride up like Prince Charming claiming fidelity and undying love when you know you are not going to be with just one woman. Hey, monogamy isn’t for everyone. Let a bitch know what your real motivation is before wasting her time because that is just disrespectful.

Sex is fun and can be good when it is allowed to develop in a healthy fashion. And like eating, sex is better when done with others but you can eat alone and be just fine.

Hard ons aren’t a national emergency nor a moral shortcoming, they shouldn’t be avoided. Hell, they can help inspire creativity. I think people should take masturbation breaks often during the day. Everyone should learn how to take care of their own bodies when they experience an urge, just like they do with hunger, sleepiness or thirst. What you should take away from this is that you are responsible for your sexual urges, not others, so take responsibility and chill the fuck out. An erection won’t kill you.

To quote an old phrase, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
So guys, stop trying to control us. Work on controlling yourselves.